The Czar heard an ad on the radio today for organic cotton bedsheets. The ad’s spokeswoman was quick to say that “organic” was not a just buzzword, but in fact accurate: the sheets are organic cotton because that provides the softest material for bed linens.

Well, she’s right: cotton is organic. And she’s also correct that organic is a buzzword; in fact, it’s reached the status of totally annoying to the Czar. Forgive the Czar a little tirade here, but it’s clear that few people understand what organic means.

Organic means many things, all specifically related to organic chemistry. Yes, even biological uses of organic—Mary’s biopsy showed organic decay from a lifetime of emulating Ghettoputer’s drinking habits—you are ultimately talking about an organism, itself organic in nature.

The point is that somewhere along the line, the term “organic” is attempting to be used as a synonym for pure, healthy, or natural. Organic items can be any or all of those things, but it is not a guarantee.

In chemistry, anything “organic” specifically pertains to substances or compounds that contain carbon atoms. That’s all it will ever mean. So yes, cotton is organic. Your organic chicken? It is indeed organic. Fruits are organic, even ones not labeled so. But that’s not all.

Motor oil is organic. Plastic is organic. See that cool chemical molecule diagram to the right? That’s polystyrene—the type of plastic found in toys, bottles, and styrofoam cups. See those two “C” symbols? Those represent carbon atoms. So yes, that styrofoam cup you just threw out is organic. Dirt is organic. Feces is organic.

Anyone who took even a basic chemistry course knows this already. If you didn’t, and you’re reading this, now you know it, too. You know who should know this? The FDA.

The Food and Drug Administration, lauded by liberals as the bestest proof that government progressivism can work to help stupid conservatives, is responsible for the health and safety of your food and medicine. You’d think they ought to know the different between organic and inorganic chemistry.

But incredibly, they oversee the National Organic Program, who in turn defines “organic” as:

…A labeling term that indicates that the food or other agricultural product has been produced through approved methods that integrate cultural, biological, and mechanical practices that foster cycling of resources, promote ecological balance, and conserve biodiversity. Synthetic fertilizers, sewage sludge, irradiation, and genetic engineering may not be used.

One of their frequently asked questions. amusingly, is “How Do I Know if My Food Is Organic?”

Despite the long answer, the reality is this: if it has carbon atoms in it.

Here’s an example of things that have carbon atoms in them. All of these are fully organic.

• Steel
• Latex paint
• Diamond
• Carbon fiber arrows
• Gasoline
• Rubber hose
• Pencil lead
• Firearms
• Firearms run off a 3D printer
• Carbon monoxide
• Bacteria
• Cyanide

Instead of fighting this ignorance, the Czar suggests you have fun with it. The next time an acquaintance says to you somethling like “Oh, I only drink organic fruit juices,” throw a look of shocked horror on your face and gasp. “Good Lord,” you reply, “Don’t you know that superglue is made with organic substances?” The Czar bets you’ll get a worthy reaction from someone like that.

Or the next time you chuck some old set of tires into the creek, and your liberal neighbor flies into a rage, say “Don’t worry, Chuck [especially if her name isn’t Chuck]—these tires are 100% organic.”

You won’t be wrong.