Sleestak’s Letter To His Mommy
Well, as you know, Sleestak mostly communicates by hissing noises, and it was years before ‘Puter even realized he had an accent. But over time, we learned to communicate a fair bit with him, and today, on this Mother’s Day, Sleestak asked to write a post to his dear old mom. Here it is, in its entirety.
Dear Sleestak’s Mommy:
How are you doing? Are you alive? If not, Sleestak hopes you were not eaten. If you are alive, Sleestak hopes you are DEAD because you ran away from Sleestak when Sleestak was just a baby thing.
Maybe Sleestak should not hate his mommy, because maybe thing mommies all run away from their brood just after spawning. Sleestak does not remember, and only remembers you biting him a lot.
Who or what was Daddy?
Was Sleestak born in a pool of water? Sleestak thinks not, because Sleestak hates baths.
‘Puter takes care of Sleestak now, letting Sleestak eat all of the bugs in the Castle. Yes, all! Even the silverfish, which are often too fast for Sleestak to catch all the time. You should meet ‘Puter; you would like him. Although, he would not like you and would probably try to kill you with a broom.
Sleestak has so many questions to ask you. Maybe you will read this, although probably not, because ‘Puter says things like us are stupid and should not read things. He says it could hurt Sleestak’s brain to be smarter, maybe like when Sleestak tried to go for a ride in the microwave. That burned Sleestak’s head.
If you cannot read, Mommy, then I will not write you anymore. If you can read, please let Sleestak know where you are. Sleestak would like to meet you. And maybe bite you to death badly.
Love,
Sleestak.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.