A lot of people come up to the Czar and say “Czar, what on earth is wrong with us?” Actually, they say “you,” and not “us,” but we know allegory when we hear it.

Of course, we can’t answer that question completely. At least not with a “yes” or “no” answer because those, frankly, would be non sequiturs. But it’s a good question that has a lot of answers.

There are some clear signs that society should be worried about itself. Somehow, we have decided to put common sense in the hands of a few.

As an example, we’ve noticed the warning labels on familiar products. In fact, it’s hard not to, because they’re appearing everywhere. There just can’t be that many liability lawsuits occuring: we must just be getting more stupid. In addition to warning labels, we’re also seeing step-by-step directions appearing on the most commonplace items.

You know how people put those huge carboard visors against their car’s windshield, in order to block out the sun’s rays and keep the car a little cooler? In 1993, the Czar came across one of those, and stamped on the back was the phrase WARNING: REMOVE SUN SHADE BEFORE DRIVING. What on earth?

Correspondant LG once spotted directions on a candle. It’s true: at the bottom of the candle was a mini-manual, explaining how to bend the wick, how to light it from underneath, and above all, that it was important to keep debris out of the wax pool. If you even know what a wax pool is, we’re willing to bet you already know how to light a candle.

Notice how many jars have the instructions TWIST TO OPEN on the lids. How many screw-on jar lids open any other way? Or consider envelopes that tell you to “place postage here.” Good idea.

This is off our toothpaste tube: If you accidentally swallow more [toothpaste] than used for brushing, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control center immediately. Can you imagine that phone call? “Poison control. You what? Slow down, sir… you swallowed what? Too much toothpaste?” Imagine somehow finding out that, after ingesting drain cleaner, you called Poison Control and were put on hold because of that call.

The Czar’s microwave oven warns against overcooking foods. That’s very important to remember, in case you haven’t figured this out for yourseslf yet. Oddly, it doesn’t also warn against undercooking foods.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.