So what qualifies the Czar as an authority on job interviews? Plenty! We have interviewed for dozens of jobs, and have interviewed people for jobs probably nearly as much. And in that time, we’ve realized a few truths that will help anybody look smarter… at least, smarter than those without web access to this page. Let’s start with that eye-opener…

The Résumé

Having a great-looking résumé is not as important as you might think… in most cases, it will look like crap once they’re done with it. Instead of using fancy stationery and explosive color, just put it on plain white paper with simple, clear fonts. Anything more will be illegible once it’s photocopied and faxed around. And surprisingly, this mistreatment happens a lot to résumés, partially because so many people need to review a résumé before the interviewing process begins, but mostly because people like to copy and fax them around because they want a good laugh at your expense.

Note that the word is spelled résumé, not “resume. ” “Resume ” is a verb meaning “to continue. ” “Résumé ” is a noun, that means “I don’t know a lot, but am using big words to impress you. ”

An address is very important on a résumé, unless it’s a prison address. Also, put a phone number with the address. For maximum effect, be sure it’s your phone number, and that the phone works. If you’re somehow still employed somewhere, don’t put down your current work number, especially (a) if it’s risky for you to get a call at work from a prospective employer, and (b) if it’s a 900 number.

Some people put down what their objective is, next. We could never figure this out, since everyone’s objective is the same: a job which can mostly pay the bills, and from which one can steal whatever office supplies one needs. Our advice is to skip the objective, since, for one thing, it’s potentially limiting, and for another, nobody cares but you what your long-term goals are.

The next section should be your experience. Start with your most current job, and then go backward until you were born. Avoid gaps in your work history, particularly if the gaps are long enough to be prison sentences (see the paragraph above on addresses; employers don’t trust active felons). If you have a gap in your résumé because you are afraid to put down an extremely unpleasant job experience, that’s okay. Just make something up that sounds good. Put the time spent at each job, but be careful: interviewers get suspicious when you seem to leave every job after three weeks.

When describing what you did at each job, be creative. Remember, this is an ad, not a tax form. Honesty is right out (remember how that one car ad you saw convinced you to purchase that model, because of the elegant comfort, great mileage, and sexy design, and yet failed to mention anything about the transmission dropping out onto the pavement every few hours? Your résumé should be like this.)

Use action words in your résumé, like “managed, ” “transformed, ” “enabled, ” “oriented, ” “sieged, ” and “decapitated. ” Avoid weak or negative words like, “hated, ” “vomited, ” “unseamed from nave to chaps, ” “gurgled, ” or “fainted. ” For example:

Negative:

Worked in mail sorting department. Licked stamps all day. Sometimes cleaned counters. Occasionally napped and struck up conversations with FedEx guy. Stole eleven staplers. Am willing to part with staplers if you hire me.

Positive:

Managed and transformed large-scale messaging and routing substation. Worked in key management capacity with high efficiency in applications. Functioned as core member of red team on periodic continuous quality improvement (CQI) program in facility renovation. Provided human resource management in scheduling on-the-job (OTJ) flex-time. Acted in key liaison role with Fortune 500 company. Boosted inventory beyond recommendations of inventory control. Developed active plan to migrate resources as leveraging tool.

Now, mind you, this can backfire. As an experienced résumé reader, we know about this stuff. You might think you could never compete with this guy:

Managed entire Systems Coordination Analysis department. Functioned as employment liaison between all levels of management, provided interfacing mechanisms to strategic development teams, and was responsible for $300,000 in direct savings to company profit plan. Key member of employee post-pay profit distribution program. Directly oversaw non-corporate appropriation, and provided technological direction on company’s 1,000-node wide-area-network (WAN).

In fact, you stand a great chance, because this is what he’s really telling us:

I was a one-man department that had no real function, so I assigned it a name that you could never possibly identify. I was the guy in our office who pretty much walked around and talked everyone’s ear off all day, although I sometimes sat in on some meetings without knowing what was being discussed. I saved the company $300,000 dollars by not embezzling that much from the profit plan… not that I even had the chance. By the way, I participated in the company’s benefits program. Also, I stole a lot of stuff from supplies for my own, non-business use, and I had a computer on my desk that was connected to the network.

So rather than being down on yourself, cheer up! The résumé doesn’t mean anything you don’t want it to!

When done with your experience, be sure to put down what your educational background is. This doesn’t mean diddly: interviewers just want to see what school you went to, and see if it was a rival to theirs.

That leads us to…

The Interview

Here are some basic tips for the interview:

• Show up on time. Do not be three days late.
• Dress appropriately. Avoid Mardi Gras costumes or fig leaves. Be conservative: dress exactly like the interviewer, even if it means dragging a suitcase around with a variety of clothing and accessories.
• Do not mimic the interviewer’s lisp.
• A sense of humor is good, but avoid puppets or gags like wax lips.
• Don’t bring your lawyer.
• Avoid answering personal questions, such as “How old are you, ” “Are you pregnant, ” or “Would you show me pictures of yourself in the shower. ”
• Avoid falling asleep.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.