His Fiskitude the Grand Exalted Psychopomp Jas. Lileks here goes after Garrison Keillor, who inspired the immortal “TV, BE MORE FUNNY!” Simpsons gag. In the course of Lileks’s column, he notes that the Minnesota State Treasure® Keillor names as one of the many classes of people he despises as “cheese merchants.”

The Œcumenical Volgi, having sources in that part of the world, has obtained the text of the following telegram sent from Wisconsin Gov. James A. Doyle (D) to Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R), dated Wednesday, July 23, 2008.

Dear Gov. Pawlenty,

Cheese Merchants?! CHEESE MERCHANTS?!?! THIS MEANS WAR! The Wisconsin National Guard will be in Moorhead by Friday! IT’S ON, GOPHER B*TCHES!

Go Packers!

Respectfully yours,

Jim Doyle

Confucius, Œc. Vol.

Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu.