Now I’m fired up. Canadia hates America? That’s like the fat boy in high school who couldn’t get a date to the prom and blamed all his personal problems on the jocks who had girls draped all over them like a flesh tuxedo. Wait, I was that fat kid. Nevermind. Where was I? Oh, Canadia.

After reading Notorious OEV’s linked article, I decided to set U.S.-Canadian relations back about to the War of 1812 level.

Let’s be honest. The national characters of the U.S. and Canadia are different because of the way the nations were formed. The United States told King George III to get to packing and then tossed England’s armies the heck out (with some help from the French), because we knew best how to rule our own danged selves, thank you very much. Canadia didn’t so much mind being toadies to the British Crown, and weren’t granted Dominion status by the British Parliament until 1867. Canadia still has allegiance to the Crown, and even has the comely lass Queen Elizabeth II on its currency.

In sum, America decides what it wants to do and then does it. Canadia waits for someone to decide what they should do, then waits for a ruler to grant them permission to do so. Or, even more succinctly: American individualism versus Canadian statism. That pretty much nails down the viewpoint differences between America and Our Northern Suburbs. And don’t even get me started on Canadia’s entertaining French as a language coequal with English.

Now, to be fair, Canadia has traditionally had an exceptional military, carrying more than its fair share of the burden in World War II. And, notably, fighting America to a draw in 1812. Also, as Ghettoputer understands, Canadia’s special forces remain exceptional to this day, particularly in sniping. And poutine rules. OEV knows far more about this sort of stuff than Ghettoputer, so Ghettoputer defers.

Also, your invading hordes of resident Canadia Geese are much appreciated by golf course water hazards and shopping mall retention ponds everywhere in America.

The one area in which Canadia clearly has America licked is in the national anthem. The Star Spangled Banner is well-nigh unsingable to anyone except trained musicians with its one-and-a-half octave range. Whereas O, Canada has great lyrics and is emninently singable.

So, good on Canadia, America’s Fifty First State! Motto: Slightly More Popular Than North Dakota.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.