Crazy Lady Wept, Too
‘Puter’s fortunate enough to have an office (ground floor) with a window that looks out onto a parking lot. As ‘Puter works in a building shared with a debt-collection agency, ‘Puter gets to see some wacky stuff.
Today, there is a lady on her cell phone outside his window, weeping, and dabbing her overly-made up eyes with a tissue. Best part? The lady has wrapped herself in a Spiderman fleece throw.
I am also regularly treated to seeing a gentleman who actually drives a vehicle with an “I [heart] My Wife” bumper sticker. Hey, buddy. Maybe if you drive that car long enough, you’ll start to believe you love your wife, and your wife will give you your cojones back.
There has been a naked women in the communal ladies’ room applying her makeup. Also, we’ve discovered used pregnancy tests (positive, of course) left on the restroom counter. It’s a pleasant discussion to have with one’s landlord, trust ‘Puter. “Uhh, Landlord? Do you think you might be able to keep the sluts working next door out of the restrooms, please? Or at least make them clean up after themselves.”
You stay classy, debt collectors!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.