On The Town
With apologies to Leonard Bernstein:
New York, New York
A dysfunctional town!
Taxes are up, and the revenue’s down.
The government’s run by fools and by clowns.
New York, New York
A dysfunctional town!
‘Puter’s already commented on the sorry state of New York’s affairs here , but the crazy just keeps a-comin’.
Governor Patterson called the New York State legislature into special session to trim $600 million out of a $124 billion budget budget. Nota bene, the projected state deficit this fiscal year is over $6 billion. Our politicians can’t even agree on cutting 10% of the state’s shortfall, likely meaning taxpayers will have to come out of pocket for the remaining 90%. And the projections assume that Wall Street’s woes don’t get significantly worse.
Even better, the Assembly reportedly will not vote to approve a property tax cap supported by 70% of New York, the state Senate and the governor. Mind you, the tax cap permits schools to increase spending at 4% each year without any additional restrictions. Not exactly a draconian provision.
The Assembly proposes to raise taxes on “the rich” (hold on to your wallets, New Yorkers), and link property tax rebates to income. This means that while the funding levels will not decline, there will be fewer people paying into the pool, accelerating the number of upper income taxpayers and businesses fleeing New York.
“Why, ‘Puter? Oh, why won’t the Assembly support a property tax cap?,” come the plaintive cries.
Well, Dear Readers, it’s really quite simple. First, cynical majority leader Shelly Silver wants to give embattled Democrats political cover by passing legislation appearing to address out of control taxes, knowing his proposal has no chance of being passed by the Senate or signed by the governor. Second, Shelly Silver is kowtowing to the Assembly Democrats’ (and, to be fair, the Senate Republicans’) true constituency, the public sector unions, who dread any limit on the ability of the state to continue to pour money into union coffers.
So, welcome to my adopted state. It’s a helluva town!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.