Consider the Source
‘Puter just discovered that the people who live on this rock are, for the most part, absolute morons.
According to this poll, fifty-four percent (54%) of the surveyed geniuses think someone other than Al Qaeda was responsible for the 9/11 attacks on the United States. A stunning fifteen percent (15%) think the United States attacked itself, including thirty percent (30%) of Mexicans who hold this well thought through opinion. Maybe that’s because everyone who can think clearly in Mexico has already realized what an absolute hellhole Mexico is and risked life and limb to sneak into America rather than stay there.
Now, note that the same world denizens want Sen. Obama to be President of the United States rather than Sen. McCain by a 4 to 1 margin.
From this, ‘Puter deduces that world citizens who think the United States or someone other than al Qaeda attacked the United States support Sen. Obama’s candidacy overwhelmingly. ‘Puter wonders if there’s a correlation of beliefs from Sen. Obama’s world supporters to Sen. Obama’s American supporters. 9/11 Troofers for Obama, Unite!
Just askin’, is all.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.