‘Puter’s been doing more drinking and thinking. That is, in his spare time after watching a production of Legally Blonde: The Musical. Seriously. Don’t ask.

Anyway, ‘Puter was thinking about the fundamental differences between a liberal philosophy and a conservative philosophy, at least in the American sense of the terms. ‘Puter came up with the following observations, which someone far brighter than ‘Puter has surely observed before.

Conservatives believe that everyone should have equality of opportunity. That is, everyone gets a place at the starting line and a referee guaranteeing a fair race (i.e., no cheating).

Liberals believe that everyone should have equality of results. That is, everyone arrives at the finish line at the same time, or reasonably close thereto, with a referee handicapping the better competitors through interference in the race.

In ‘Puter’s ill-fitting comparison, citizens are the runners and the government the referee. Conservatives believe the referee should ideally play no part in the outcome of the race; the ability of the runners determines the winners. Liberals believe the referee must interfere in the race and ultimately determine the winner; the ability of the runners must be equalized.

This explains Sen. Obama’s recent decree that he thinks it permissible for the government to determine how best to spend ‘Puters money, and also to determine how much of ‘Puter’s money to spend. Sen. McCain (and Jose el Plomero) think that ‘Puter should determine where and how to spend his money for himself, regardless of what the government thinks.

Remember this when you go into the voting booth. You’re really choosing between two fundamentally different world views: Sen. McCain’s equality of opportunity versus Sen. Obama’s equality of results. Equality of opportunity has gotten America to where it is today. Equality of results has gotten the Soviet Union to where it is today.

It’s as simple as that. Always has been. Always will be.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.