‘Puter loves Puerto Rico. It’s a delightful combination of America and Latin America, with absurd results. For example, ‘Puter was at a Taco Bell in Dorado, Puerto Rico ordering hisself some bean burritos. Mmmm. Bean burritos. The cashier, after receiving ‘Puter’s order, inquired “Con papas?” Now, ‘Puter’s Spanish is passable, but ‘Puter was puzzled. Did the cashier just ask ‘Puter if he wanted fries with that bean burrito? Sure enough. Upon inquiry, ‘Puter’s island-based friend Paco informed him that in Puerto Rico, just about everything, including “Mexican” food, comes “con papas.” And just what does this story illustrate?

Behold! Paco sends ‘Puter a story on how Puerto Rico does up a debate for its equivalent of governor, if Puerto Rico were a state, which it isn’t, which is a whole ‘nother story for later. Check this out:

Zero hour for second debate
By CB Online Staff

Daddy Yankee to moderate second gubernatorial debate; candidates to answer questions posed by young voters through websites

The four Puerto Rico gubernatorial candidates will face each other for a second debate on Thursday night, yet this time, young voters will take the spotlight. This second round in the road to the island’s governorship, dubbed “Vota o Quedate Calla’o” (vote or stay quiet) will be moderated by reggaetton artist Daddy Yankee. Aníbal Acevedo Vilá of the Popular Democratic Party (PDP), Luis Fortuño of the New Progressive Party (NPP), Edwin Irizarry Mora of the Puerto Rican Independence Party (PIP) and Rogelio Figueroa of the Puerto Ricans for Puerto Rico (PPR) party will answer questions about crime, education, corruption, environment and the economy. Some of the questions were formulated by youngsters through websites such as Facebook, MySpace and YouTube, among others. The debate takes place tonight at 8:00 at the Convention Center in San Juan and will be transmitted on Univisión Puerto Rico (Channel 11).

This is the equivalent of having Mariah Carey run the final presidential debate. On second thought, Ms. Carey couldn’t do a worse job than the “professional” moderators.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.