Shameful Bias
Who would’ve thunk it? Bias from a public television reporter against those who would radically cut her funding? Ms. Ifill’s releasing a book, on Inauguration Day, recounting the rise of Blacks in politics, with a full 25% of her book focusing on one Junior Senator from Illinois. Apparently, for Ms. Ifill, the election’s already in the bag. The Commission on Presidential Debates has not done its job in selecting a fair moderator.
Even in light of Ms. Ifill’s obvious bias (both personal and financial), ‘Puter humbly suggests that the vice-presidential candidates’ debate go on as scheduled. Except that Ms. Ifill’s obvious bias be counter balanced. How? Two words. Newt Gingrich. Ms. Ifill will be solely responsible for quizzing Gov. Palin over the course of the debate. But Speaker Gingrich will get to release the hounds on gaffe-o-matic Sen. Biden. Then Ms. Ifill and Speaker Gingrich will each get time to rehabilitate their preferred candidate.
Sounds fair to ‘Puter. Why pretend there’s no bias in the debate moderators? ‘Puter says embrace the bias. It’ll certainly make for much more entertaining television, and we may actually learn something.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.