What's In The Water in St. Louis?

Ah, Missouri. The Show Me State. Home of the St. Louis Baseball Cardinals, Harry S Truman and General Pershing. In fact, ‘Puter lived in St. Louis and the Columbia-Jeff City Metroplex for several years.

So ‘Puter naturally has to ask the entire citizenry of Missouri, “What in the living blazes has happened to you people since ‘Puter left?”

Exhibit 1. Normandy High School in St. Louis, MO, up on the North Side. There’s an AIDS scare at the high school. 50 kids were rounded up and tested by the St. Louis health department. The school and the health department are tight-lipped about the source of the scare, and the transmission method. Now, HIV/AIDS is not an easy disease to get if you’re following the rules. ‘Puter’s fairly certain that 50 or so high school kids weren’t giving each other transfusions. That leaves the most likely culprit as unprotected sex which the health department’s press release seems to support. On the upside, the student body seems to be committed to a wide course of extracurricular activities.

Exhibit 2. Parkway West Middle School in Chesterfield, MO, a well-to-do St. Louis suburb. The little darlings determined that they would have theme days, including among others “Hit A Jew Day.” This, predictably, did not go over well once discovered, and now the Anti Defamation League is involved. But ‘Puter still can’t get over this exculpatory claim by the school district: “District officials said Thursday they believe that fewer than 10 children of the district’s 35 Jewish students were struck.” ‘Puter’s not quite certain what is creepier, the fact that the District thinks a 1:2 ratio of beaten to unbeaten Jews is OK, or the fact that the District keeps track of the religion of its students.

Promiscuous sex and anti-Semitism. Maybe that can be the Chamber of Commerce’s new slogan.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.

The Gormogons

What’s In The Water in St. Louis?