Unions to Taxpayers: Screw You!

One of Upstate’s fishwraps actually gets around to looking at an issue that’s bugged ‘Puter for quite some time. Public workers are receiving their full salaries and benefits while doing no work for the public. The time spent not working for the public is spent solely on union tasks.

There is no law preventing public employees holding both full time public and union jobs; it is a negotiated feature of most collectively bargained agreements in New York. This was offensive when New York had enough money to go around (which it has never had), and is suicidal in down times, like now. How on earth is it acceptable for the taxpayers to pay a public employee for doing no public work? Ask the unions, and they’ll tell you it’s for the children. ‘Puter calls shenanigans.

For instance, the head of the Rochester public teachers’ union draws $101,200 in salary (not counting benefits) each year. He has not taught a day in the public schools since 1981. God willing, there will be a special place in hell for these greedy bastards who have overseen the decay of the public education system while lining their pockets at taxpayer expense.

‘Puter offers to retain his day job, along with its salary and benefits, and take a state job to which he does not have to report along with all its benefits. Governor Paterson, ‘Puter awaits your no work-full pay job offer.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.