Mark ‘Puter’s Words
This man will be a bigger drag on the economy than any of the alleged finance industry robber-barons and their ill-fated overleveraging and derivative-based schemes ever were.
Rep. Waxman (D-CA) is on a one man mission to hamstring industry and scuttle any hope of recovery in the near future. Our entire economy is dependent on burning fossil fuels. The only way to please Rep. Waxman is to return to a subsistence lifestyle and shut down our manufacturing capacity. We currently have no way to achieve an 80% reduction in greenhouse gas emissions in 40 years, and committing us to do so is (1) economic suicide or (2) a cynical ploy, as it is impossible to do so and maintain a functioning society.
The only current possible replacement for fossil fuels is nuclear power, something the Rep. Waxman’s environmental co-religionists will never permit. To be fair, ‘Puter thinks Rep. Waxman sincerely believes that he is acting in the best interest of his constituents and the country (and, likely, all of humanity and Mother Earth as well).
Unfortunately for us all, Rep. Waxman is a very powerful Democrat Congressional leader, in a Congress where Democrats have an enormous majority. It is likely that some sort of inanity that will hamper our recovery will be passed by Rep. Waxman and his ilk in the name of saving the environment.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.