O-Nauguration [Updated]
The Gormogons have said it before, but it bears repeating.
We wish soon to be President Obama the best. We support him because he is the duly elected leader of our country. We hope he can effectively address the many pressing needs of our country from the economy to trade to infrastructure to political corruption. We hope he works in a truly bipartisan manner. We hope he serves our country well.
It also bears repeating that we will point out, sometimes with humor and sometimes with sharp criticism, President Obama’s failures and missteps with the intent of pointing President Obama in the correct direction. We Gormogons will always do so as loyal opposition, however, with an emphasis on the loyal. We promise not to fall victim to Obama Derangement Syndrome as many on the left fell victim to Bush Derangement Syndrome over the past 8 years.
May God bless our country, the last, best hope for individual freedoms, and her new President, Barack H. Obama.
[UPDATE: Red Eye‘s TV’s Andy Levy offers a good set of rules for being a loyal, civil opposition. —ŒV]
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.