Says FoxNews’ Major “Captain” Garrett:

Obama will [send] civilian State Department and personnel from other US agencies to improve Afghanistan’s ability to govern itself—a tacit acknowledgement that the government led by President Hamid Karzai has failed to win Obama’s full confidence.

Ouch, says your Czar. If that comment is true, that POTUS Obama is unimpressed with POAFG Karzai’s inability to solve 20 years of war and bloody tyranny in less time than it took Ross to date Rachel, we need to fix that. The Czar of Muscovy, who has ruled for a time with an iron hand, is pretty sure he knows what Karzai should do to reverse this damage.

First, get on Leno. Be ready to discuss your NCAA brackets as well, because the appearance of you having fun relaxes the public better than you accomplishing things.

Give him a demeaning gift from the presidential gift shop, like a dead goat, or something he cannot possibly play in a DVD player, such as a dead goat.

Instead of wasting time dismantling the support structure of the warlords that make your country such a horrific σκαταhole, you could consider offering to sit down down and give them respect and validation, even while they openly mock you. Like the new sixth-grade teacher that, in lieu of punishment, suggests being friends with the ten kids that just set the class aquarium on fire by chucking sodium chunks into it. You know, reverse psychology and all that.

Offer to pick up the tab for everything. That’ll be a big plus in getting people to like you. Try sending some money to doomed businesses too big to fail, such as your country’s poppy growers. They can put it to good use, such as building a library on opium topics. But get really ticked off if, perchance, they blow it all on something stupid like themselves. But be prepared to accept that, too, if it turns out that indeed it was constitutional for them to do so.

Never forget the people that got you to where you are: your military. Hey, face it: being a soldier loyal to Karzai has been for years a freaking suicide mission. Now, the Afghan military is getting pretty darn tough, and taking on some major bad guys on your behalf. Best way to reward them? Tell them you no longer want them hanging around your place. They’ll grow up faster once they get their own places, right? Gotta cut the old apron strings, eh? They’ll never really respect you if you just mommy them all the time.

You can do all this. POTUS got this far in less than four months, and you’ve had, what, years? The bottom line is this: no matter how tough your job is, no matter how vitally historic your role is, no matter how critically important are the delicate balances between tragedy and freedom in the world, if the BO don’t like you, you’re nothing. You really ought to view him as a role model. Find out what he wants, and what he needs, Hamid. After all, it can’t always be about you, can it?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.