Luckiest Man Alive. Or Is He?
There are two competing schools of thought on this guy surviving his (alleged) throwing-himself-over-the-falls suicide attempt at Niagara Falls. (Canadian side. It’s more scenic, after all.)
First, the GorT optimistic observation that “Man, this guy’s really lucky. God must have some great plan in mind for him.”
Opposed is the pessimistic ‘Puterian perception that “Dude, you’re so messed up you couldn’t even kill yourself right. Loser.”
Here’s a true New York case supporting the ‘Puterian view. A family man purchases a large face value life insurance policy. The suicide exclusion in the policy is two years from the policy’s effective date. Said man calendars his time and dutifully waits approximately two years and one month and kills himself. Family attempts to collect. Insurance company refuses to pay. Man counted wrong and killed himself four days early. New York Court of Appeals (highest state court) upholds insurance company’s refusal to pay out on the policy.
Loser.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.