Public Service Message from Your Czar
Your Czar is concerned with your health, and naturally has asked his Czarist Imperial Surgeon’s Office to prepare a bullet point list on how you can best protect yourself against the dreaded Swine Flu, which is known as H1N1A, or more commonly, Swine Flu. Swine flu has now killed over 500 trillion people today alone. Do not be one of the statistics, and do not even read the statistics.
 | Do not visit with people who have or are known to carry SWINE FLU. |
 | Avoid places where SWINE FLU is known to congregate, such as door knobs. |
 | If you see SWINE FLU on the ground, do not pick it up. |
 | Do not make eye contact with SWINE FLU, or attempt to engage it in conversation. Do not believe its lies. |
 | Avoid eating SWINE FLU or even putting SWINE FLU in your mouth, and do not allow it to insert a finger into your nose. |
 | If you unexpectedly receive mail marked SWINE FLU, do not open it. |
 | If you receive a visitor at the door, and suspect that she is really SWINE FLU in disguise, do not open the door. |
 | If you see or hear anyone talking about SWINE FLU, call the police immediately. Do not attempt to cure SWINE FLU by yourself. |
The Czar thanks you for your cooperation.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.