For Immediate Release
HOLLYWOOD—With the shock of Michael Jackson’s demise now under media control, the music world was pleased to announce that its new King of Pop will be Tom Waits.
No date has been announced for the coronation, which is anticipated to be viewed by millions. King Tom I remained unavailable for comment, but has lurked quietly in the wings of popular music since the early 1970s. It will be his first reign as king of anything.
The King is Dead, Long Live the King.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.