Gay Pride Parade
‘Puter’s going to get heretical here, and expects to be roundly beaten down by his Gormogon brethren (and, maybe if we can find women who can stand us some day, sistren). Here goes.
‘Puter thinks the Republicans should introduce legislation barring discrimination in the military on the basis of sexual orientation. ‘Puter would except combat units from this legislation, with the proviso that Congressional hearings would be held forthwith to determine the rationale for continuing “don’t ask, don’t tell” for combat positions as well. Treat gays just like the heteros. No fraternization, etc. Discharge homosexuals because of how they perform their assignments, not because of who they are.
‘Puter would pitch gay military integration as a civil rights issue (similar to Truman’s desegregation of the military), but take pains to make clear military integration does not equal acceptance of gay marriage.
Upside? It is foolish to eliminate from the service people who are qualified and capable on the basis of sexual preference alone (see, e.g., discharging military linguists, intelligence specialists). Also, it absolutely punks the Democrats (particularly President Obama) and shows Republicans as a party that defends the rights of all, regardless of whether they agree with the individuals or not.
Downside? It will drive some conservatives absolutely batty, potentially fracturing the conservative coalition.
‘Puter’s libertarian streak is showing here, but conservatives cannot blame liberals from legislating (from Congress or from the bench) moral preferences (abortion, welfare, etc.) when conservatives are doing the same.
‘Puter awaits his brethren to point out his suggestion’s myriad shortcomings.
*Pictured, Volgi in foreground with Czar and Mandarin behind. GorT on bike. ‘Puter was taking the photo in his Liza getup.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.