A synopsis of the Third Day of GormogoniCon 2009

8:00—Continental Breakfast, Regent Room

8:15—Full military color guard posted the flags and a boisterous crowd repeated the Pledge of Allegiance, day three of the conference began with full force.

8:30—Fixing Economic Problems by Cahooting in Russian—The Czar of Muscovy

The talk was interrupted at the outset by someone only identified as Eugene, a 23 year old Leo, who complained that Pat Harrington, Jr., was blocking his view of the Cyrillic epithets. Eugene was politely escorted to the rear of the Regent Room at which point the Czar’s speech took a demonstrable turn as he released the supply-vs-demand curve ceiling prop from the ceiling of room, crushing Eugene and several other bystanders in the last three rows (again, it pays to not sit in the back). Luckily, Claude Akins was wearing his poncho and was spared a trip to the dry cleaner.

10:00—Short break

(Janitorial services to the Regent Room, please)

10:30—Look for the Union [Jackass] Libel—Ghettoputer

Following the Czar, the Ghettoputer outlined his plans for the future of education in America in his colorful presentation. After conducting a brief exam based on the Arkansas Standard Teacher Practicum Exam at gun point, conference attendees were graded by He-Who-Is-Always-Right. ‘Puter’s rage grew when three card-carrying union leaders were exposed (by way of the only attendees to actually fail the exam). He shot two of the offenders with his shotgun and resorted to defenestrating the third.

12:00—Lunchbreak, featuring music by Fancy Colours

1:00—The Out Crowd—The Inscrutable Mandarin

The Mandarin, with The Ramsey Lewis Trio’s “The ‘In’ Crowd” playing in the background listed off all the groups of people that he would kick out of the country in order to better the nation. “Presidents who vilify corporate executives for excessive travel expenses and then proceed to use multiple vehicles for a date in NYC,” “Chiefs of Staff who flip off the opposition,” “Hippies,”…this continued for the next 53 minutes with a pause for the removal of a celebrity protester and concluded with “Steven Chu.”

2:30—LIDAR Guided Efficient Environmental Maintenance—GorTechie

GorT unveiled a new lawn maintenance system based on a modified iRobot Roomba. After a brief introduction, GorT dimmed the lights and showed a brief video clip of the Blade Runner. The video began by showing the front yard of the GorT estate with foot-high grass. A small door opened on the side of the shed and out rolled the 1.21 Gigawatt-enabled modified room cleaner. It made its way to the center of the lawn and fired its laser in a sweeping motion, neatly slicing all the blades of grass in the lawn. Unfortunately, a door-to-door Big Environment lobbyist was two-thirds of the way up the front walk and suffered third degree burns and lacerations across his legs just above the ankles. GorT mumbled something about the Runner being very efficient but needing some minor software patches.

3:30—A Survey of Weaponry in Foreign Films in Seven Languages—Confucius (Œc. Vol.)

Confucius launched into a 45-minute survey with numerous clips from a variety of foreign films none of which had subtitles to the dismay of ‘Puter and a number of others in the front row. However the crowd remained entertained as the host showcased seven weapons found in the clips and allowed them to be passed around. After prying the UA TPG-1 rifle from the Czar’s hands, the Volgi continued into Turkish, German and Hungarian movies. There was a brief, tense moment between the Volgi and an unknown heckler which ended with the Volgi shouting, “Eat it, Vid boy.” He ended with by apologizing for not having the SPNKR X-18 for exhibition.

5:00—Networking Hour

The five conference speakers entertained the attendees while sharing beverages and light hors d’œuvres. Promptly at 6pm, the Volgi and GorT announced from the plenary stage, “It is time.” The room emptied quickly as modified Roombas entered the Regent Room ostensibly to clean it for Day Four.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.