A synopsis of the Fourth Day of GormogoniCon 2009

8:00—No breakfast! We have already fed you for the last three days and therefore we have opted not to serve breakfast lest we soften you to the temptation of letting the government take care of you.

8:15—Pledge of Allegiance, narrated by Morgan Freeman, followed by the announcement: there is a black BMW 5-series with the license plate IMAD005H in the parking lot with its lights on.

8:30—Will the Real Czar Please Stand Up—The Czar of Muscovy

Seething with rage and a bit of identity crisis, the Czar spent 1-hour and 25-minutes excoriating those seeking to usurp his throne. It was a colorful diatribe directed at all of the newly created Obama administration government Czars, punctuated by the Czar’s stern reminder that although the President may consider himself the Messiah, it is only God himself (and by that he means the Russian Orthodox God) that has given him his divine right to rule over his empire. He then spent the last 5-minutes of his speech reminiscing of his days as a boy when he would lash together some of his subjects and ride them like a pontoon boat down the Volga.

10:00—Short break

All attendees were reminded to be back in their seats by 10:30 or risk a series of sharp boots to the gut.

10:30—I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife—Ghettoputer

While most attendees thought this presentation was going to discuss the traditional views of marriage as the union of a man and a woman, that is not exactly what the ‘Puter delivered. Having seized upon the word union, ‘Puter went into an almost catatonic state, then in moment of lucidity asked if in anyone else smelled burning pork and continued to decry the attempts to unionize marriage. The crowd was seen nodding in agreement with the ‘Puter when he raised such questions as, will union rules regulate the frequency and duration of “intimate” moments, and in the event of a divorce will the government come in and take over the marriage giving 70% of your assets to your spouse and then taking the remaining 30%, screwing the bond-holders you.

12:00—Lunchbreak, featuring a live reading of the U.S. Constitution by the late Charlton Heston

1:00—Rub Some Dirt on That and Get Back in the Game—The Inscrutable Mandarin

The Mandarin, standing in front of a large American flag à la Patton, enumerated all 1,365 reasons why he thinks today’s kids have it too soft. And by enumeration, we mean he lined up 1,365 Xbox-playing, iPod-listening, The Hills-watching adolescents and booted each one in the gut. This seemed to be a real crowd pleaser judging from the thunderous applause and the calls from the audience to “boot ‘em again.”

2:30—The Gormogons Care Presentation and Family Fun Fest—GorTechie and Confucius (Œc. Vol.)

In an effort to reach out to the community and show that we Gormogons feel a sense of duty to help our fellow citizens, GorT and the Volgi were the proud hosts and masters of ceremonies for the 1st annual Gormogons Care fundraiser and family fun fest. This year, all proceeds raised will go to support the orphanage at Our Lady of the Evening parish in Reno, Nevada, although some of us on the board suspect that this may actually be the Bunny Ranch brothel. The activities included:

• “Kiss the Volgi for $1”booth
• Dunk tank with your chance to send the Czar to his watery grave (well, not so much a grave as a shallow 3-foot puddle)
• Carnival side show, with banners provided by Randy Johnson, the author of Freaks, Geeks, and Strange Girls
• Pony rides for the kids. Due the fact that we had to surrender our security deposit because of an unfortunate incident involving Gettoputer and the fountain in the lobby, we had to substitute actual ponies with GorT, and the kids with small lemurs.
• Balloon characters created by the Mandarin, although it seems that the only balloon character he is capable of creating is a hot dog. Next year we may hire a professional to do this.

5:00—Networking Hour

Having spent a wondrous day with their beloved Gormogons, most conference attendees opted to run across the street to the Days Inn to take advantage of the 5:00 to 7:00 happy hour.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.