In The Navy!
Back to uncontroversial topics, like gays in the military.
The Gormogons are split on the topic of integrating openly gay servicemen into the armed forces, and good arguments exist on both sides of the issue. ‘Puter advocates for inclusion. At least one unnamed Gormogon advocates to, at a minimum, maintain the status quo. Email has been split as well, with about a 50/50 split on the issue.
Interestingly, former Chairman on the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Shalikashvili (of Georgian descent, ‘Puter thinks) has an opinion piece in today’s WaPo supporting intergration of open homosexuals into the military. Read his piece here. To be fair, Gen. Shalikashvili was responding to the opinion piece of an equally august group of military commanders arguing the opposite position.
Unit cohesion (insert juvenile laugh here) is exceptionally important in the military. Equality of opportunity is an equally compelling American ideal. ‘Puter’s weighed both rationales, believes strongly in both arguments, but comes down in favor of integtration of the armed forces.
Given the chance, Americans of Japanese descent acquitted themselves quite well in WWII. See, e.g., U.S. Army 442nd Regimental Combat Team. Black American airman, too. See, e.g., Tuskeegee Airmen. There is no reason to think that gays will not rise to the challenge if permitted to serve. In fact, some “don’t tell” heroes may already have done so.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.