Moments after the Czar pre-apologized to all of you that the Mandarin and your Volgi would be unable to post for a day, the two of them elected to mess with the Czar and put up some substantive posts. It can be bad to mess with the Czar. But he forgives his friends and will not line them against any walls in the courtyard for a moment or two while the troops ready their rifles.

Anyway, the Czar and the Volgi had a very nice afternoon and evening, but while watching him drink a frothy coffee at a Border’s in Chicago’s Loop, evidently filtered through his own beard, the Volgi decided something.

“I prefer the hard g,” he said. “I like vol-ghee over vol-jee.”

The Czar stared back suspiciously. “Vol-ghee?” we asked.

“Right,” the Volgi said, going back to his coffee.

The Czar squinted in disgust. “You’re so Hollywood, now.”

But there it is. Our own Ryan Seacrest of political discourse and social critical commentary wants to be your Volgi (ghee) now. This means changing the answering machine on the 1-800-GOR-MOGO line, the dial-by-name feature on the auto attendant, and probably one or two other things.

So here is a little tip on how to remember. Think “vulgar” thoughts, and you’ll think of your Volgi.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.