Landslide
By now, you have read that racist moron goatherder Mahmūd Ahmadinezhād overwhelmingly won Iran’s presidential election with a minority of the vote.
The Czar will explain how this occurs, as most of would think that sounds weird. Popular elections are held in Iran, and you can vote for anybody you want. The results of the election are carefully counted and tabulated, compiled, and sent to the Guardian Council (a sort-of Supreme Court and Electoral College rolled into one). The Guardian Council reviews the compiled vote results for fairness and legitimacy, ensures that the process was as accurate as possible, and picks whomever the hell they want as President.
Doubtless there will be some Democrats still trapped in 2000 who will say they are quite familiar with this process, but the process in America works for a functioning republic. Iran of course is run by a Supreme Leader, who generally has a beard, and he gets his way all the time without appearing to influence the day-to-day functioning of government. America had only one guy with a beard, and he lost in 2000 through a very different process that actually made sense.
The overwhelming choice by the people of Iran, Mir-Hossein Mousavi Khameneh, began warning people weeks ago that fraud is a real possibility because Ahmadinezhād’s corruption knows no bounds, and is apparently outraged that the election was blatantly stolen away from him, as if he only just learned that Iran is anything but a democratic government. Hah, you sucker!
Naturally, there are two other losers here as well: Israel, who certainly did not expect progress in Iran, but still must wake up knowing that Iran is imminently a nuclear power and wants Israel scoured off the earth and that 2 and 2 equal 4, and Saudi Arabia, who allegedly invested multiple millions of dollars to get Ahmadinezhād out of power.
Mousavi, who is no angel, is nevertheless seen as a vast improvement over Ahmadinezhād in terms of political savvy, willingness to negotiate, and skill at reform. He also seems to be more of a political pragmatist, and much less of a racist moron goatherder.
The question lingers: why would the Guardian Council—undoubtedly under the specific orders of Supreme Leader Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Hoseyni Khāmene’i—pick a generally disliked Ahmadinezhād over a more reasonable and popular Mousavi?
The Czar, who enjoys taking Occam’s razor to international political machinations by asking “cui bono,” sees a simple explanation: four more years of Ahmadinezhād covers the minimum presidential term of Barack Obama.
Obama is seen, without question, as a conciliatory statesman: an appeaser of Chamberlain caliber. The more the racist moron goatherder Ahmadinezhād spits and froths about wiping out Israel and going nuclear on the world, the more the United States wants to wring its hands. Mousavi is a pragmatist—and he would screw the whole thing up by agreeing to negotiate, calm Israel down by delaying weapons development, and even lessen the sanctions against Iran in the interests of her people. In short, he would undo the whole thing.
It was pretty simple: in 2004, things were not going Iran’s way. She was losing power in Syria, influence in Lebanon, and being driven out of Iraq and Afghanistan. She was at the mercy of President Bush, who was part of the political party that openly joked about bombing Iran. Rumors that the people of Iran were increasingly resisting authoritarian rule led many to believe a quiet revolution might occur. So the Grand Council found some racist moron goatherder who could barely read or write to get up on the world stage and either make a mockery of himself (no problem: he could disappear) or attract attention back to Iran.
Turned out in 2005 that Ahmadinezhād was superb at pissing off the rest of the world. Now, the world is eyeing Iran. They have never had it so good. People are actually terrified that Iran could become a nuclear power, Israel is dreading each day, and that Obama is not going to lift a finger to stop any of this.
Mousavi may have had more votes, but Ahmadinezhād caused the landslide.
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.