Best Impression Of An SNL Skit Character
Since we’re giving out awards here today, ‘Puter’d like to nominate the newly (in)famous Professor Henry Louis Gates for the Eddie Murphy “I’m Gumby, Dammit” Award.
Upon reflection, ‘Puter thinks the following.
(1) Rich Lowry and the Wall Street Journal editorial board are both correct when they ascribe this sorry, sorry kabuki play to an overweening sense of entitlement of the professor’s part (i.e., “town versus gown”) rather than racism on the officer’s part.
(2) ‘Puter similarly ascribed President Obama’s reference to the Cambridge Police as acting “stupidly” to that self-same liberal betters’ sense of entitlement. Classism, not racism. At least, until President Obama proves otherwise.
‘Puter envisions an agitated Professor Gates standing on the steps of his house, irate at the effrontery of a police officer to question him — HIM! — a full Harvard professor as to what he was doing breaking down the front door of a house. “Do you know who I am?!? A friend of the President and a Harvard professor!” Just who did Sergeant Crowley think he was to question a Harvard professor?
And if the reader thinks it is racist of ‘Puter to ascribe to a Harvard professor and the President of the United States classist motives in this episode, or to use Eddie Murphy as Gumby for an illustration of the surrealism of the Professor’s position, the reader can go to Hell.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.