In Which Mrs. ‘Puter Loses Her Mind
Behind the palatial ‘Puter manse, the ‘Puter family (mostly Mrs. ‘Puter) has a vegetable garden. Also behind the ‘Puter manse live an abundance of God’s lovely creatures. ‘Puter has seen deer, turkey, fox, squirrel (red and gray), chipmunks, groundhogs, coyote, rabbits and various and sundry birds. The critters can’t seems to get enough veggies, so the veggie plot is surrounded by metal chicken wire, four feet high, and a “gate” of plastic mesh. The rabbits promptly chewed through the plastic mesh and have been chowing on lettuce and broccoli.
This growing season has been unusually wet and cool, and, as such, there has been an abundance of veggie eating slugs. Also, thanks to megastores’ carelessness (‘Puter’s looking at you Home Despot), blight has been introduced. The same blight that caused the Irish Potato Famine. Sweet.
This morning, the normally sweet (and hot) Mrs. ‘Puter came downstairs to see broccoli and lettuce leavings strewn about the grounds of the manse, upon which the usually demure Mrs. ‘Puter gave voice to her frustrations, exclaiming “F____ you, slugs and bunnies!”
Upon which utterance ‘Puter dissolved into laughter.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.