Left Behind!
If you wonder where all your friendly neighborhood Mormons have gone this weekend, stop wondering. No, they weren’t raptured off to heaven (not to mix wacky evangelical Christian concepts with quasi-Christian Mormonism). They’ve all come Upstate to attend the Hill Cumorah Pageant!
The pageant is a big deal to Mormons, and a major draw Upstate. It recounts stories from the Book of Mormon, alleged to have been unearthed by Joseph Smith outisde Palmyra, New York (on Hill Cumorah), then translated from the original (now conveniently lost) gold tablets with the help of the angel Moroni, a breastplate and some magic spectacles. Really.
Leaving aside, in ‘Puter’s opinion, the general silliness of some of the Mormons’ beliefs, it’s a great show and the Mormons there are fantastically nice and welcoming people. So, come on Upstate and celebrate the Hill Cumorah Pageant with ‘Puter. He’ll be the one kicking back in his lawn chair with a fat stogie, a Thermos full of coffee and a cooler full of Genessee Cream Ale.
Until the Mormon hired goons toss him.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.