Random Items From ‘Puter’s Weekend
‘Puter had a whirlwind of a weekend just past. Here are some snippets for your consideration.
1. When homebrewing Belgian ale, make certain the wort has sufficiently cooled before adding the yeast to the fermenter. High sugar content of the wort+high (but not killing high) wort temperature+brewers’ yeast=bubbly, sloppy mess the next morning.
2. When going to Mass at a downtown Roman Catholic parish, renowned for being chock full of lefties, it’s not wise to turn to ‘Puter’s wife during the Eucharistic Prayers According To Father Ed’s Whim and say not-so-sotto voce, “This is the nicest Episcopalian service ‘Puter’s ever attended.” And if ‘Puter never holds hands during the Our Father again , it’ll be too soon. Dirty, nasty hippies.
3. The plural of anecdote is not data, but here’s ‘Puter’s global warming story. Since June 1, there’ve only been three days over 80 degrees in ‘Puter’s corner of Upstate. And last night, it was a record low 48 degrees. Fortunately, ‘Puter’s always wearing a sweater, if you catch his drift. ‘Puter cornrows his back hair for formal occasions.
Maybe ‘Puter will make this a recurring feature. Probably not, as ‘Puter’s too danged lazy.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.