The Czar is, um, bemused to be quoted and linked to on an astrology website. Yes, the link is there, but trust us: they don’t need any further traffic.

[updated: classy and intellectual, Brian Dunbar has done some elaborate detective work and discovered the astrology site merely bot-culled (or whatever you call it) a corrupted post from another Gormogon-friendly group, Popehat, who wrote a nicely supportive post referencing another Czar screed. Thanks goodness that doesn’t change a thing that follows! But it does explain a little bit more. Thanks, Brian! Your reward in Muscovy shall consist of a free coffee and cold appetizer at any emporium here. Tell ‘em the Czar will pay for it. They know what that means.]

The Czar is not sure why an astrologer or astrology supporter would read this site: we try to make it as offensive as possible to goof balls, dimwits, and other front lumps. We certainly welcome readers of all stripes, or even just bots that index our blog posts, and would hate to lose any. But…

What the Czar Says:

Astrology is not a science. Instead, it is an unstructured pseudo-discipline involving erroneous beliefs that consistently fails every legitimate test, scientific or otherwise. Its perceived accuracy is dependent on confirmation bias, lack of control parameters, and unverifiably general claims that describe Barnum-effect attributes rather than prediction. The effect of planetary positions is without basis, analog, or consistent description; further, the application of zodiacal influences fails to account for Ophiucus, Kuiper Belt objects, and large body planetoids such as Ceres. Consequently, the entire resultant imaginary structure is without substantiation or merit, and there is no positive aspect to astrology that cannot be explained or exemplified by significantly simpler means.

What the Czar Thinks (But Would Never Say):

Astrology is a blatantly inexplicable waste of time. Its proponents fall into two categories: informed, soulless charlatans who profit from hoodwinking gullible people, and ignorant putzes who cannot fathom the single digit arithmetic necessary to understand why astrology could not possibly work. It’s a 1970s-era fantasy clung to by the simple-minded who cannot possibly admit that the complexity of their own, boring lives has now exceeded their ability to figure it out for themselves, and as a result they need to blame their self-inflicted misfortunes on imaginary mind powers radiated from space. Astrologers and the people who believe in it are caught up in a mindless fantasy world of spells and crystals. The only difference between astrologers and the dorks who dress up in Hobbit costumes whacking each other with foam swords is that the latter group is smart enough to know, at the end of the day, they really aren’t Middle Earth characters. Grow the foxtrot up, put a brain back in your head, and face up to the fact that you and only you alone are responsible for your life, already.

Feel free to quote this post on your website.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.