One of ‘Puter’s favorite columnists, Leonard Pitts, Jr. of the Miami Herald, penned this piece on race, conservatives and America. Read it. Do it now. ‘Puter will wait.

‘Puter reads Mr. Pitts’ column to state certain conservatives are using race to bait (assumedly) racist, white middle and lower class people into supporting the objectives of the conservative party. If that’s Mr. Pitts’ point, ‘Puter disagrees. Most conservatives are not racist, nor are most liberals. ‘Puter also disagrees that race today is major component of today’s most vexing problems, as Mr. Pitts asserts. Race is a component, to be certain, but not a major component. ‘Puter thinks economic poverty and single-parent households are greater causes of the difficulties Mr. Pitts cites than race is. ‘Puter also thinks making race a proxy for poverty, both economic and familial, is every bit as irresponsible as the behavior of conservative pundits about whom Mr. Pitts complains.

That said, let’s remember two things Mr. Pitts leaves out of his column. First, racism and accusations thereof are the kiss of death in polite society today. See, e.g., Professor Gates v. Sergeant Crowley. Most white folks are too frightened of social opprobrium to let anything vaguely racially tinged pass their lips. This gives lie to the implicit assertion that there is a great mass of racist white conservatives waiting to be called into action. Second, the only people legally discriminated against today in America are white men, and that is source of much of the resentment Mr. Pitts complains of. Get rid of legal discrimination against all races, including whites, and most of the resentment Mr. Pitts sees would vanish.

‘Puter thinks, and thinks Mr. Pitts would agree with him, that liberal and media assertions that President Obama’s election magically transformed America into a post-racial society are a load of horse hockey. But ‘Puter also thinks that America is a much less racist country than the country Mr. Pitts writes about in this piece, even the conservative side of America.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.