All right! POTUS42 (that’d be Bill “Bill” Clinton) is on his way to North Korea to straighten $#!+ out over there. You read that right: our former president is going over to PyôngYang (come for the 정과, stay for the 소주!) to seek the release of two American journalists who were arrested for trespassing, but were largely captured as political leverage against the Obama State Department. That’s how they do things there.

The Czar recommends that the North Koreans be worried about Clinton’s arrival, and take immediate action, such as getting any female between the ages of 16-40 off the streets. Trust us on this one. He once came to Muscovy and we’re still finding stuff missing.

President Clinton left sometime Monday; his arrival time in PyôngYang is difficult to assess because he keeps asking the limo driver to pull over next to that chick in the shorts.

The Czar is so eager to see how this stunt works out that he can hardly stop laughing.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.