The Eternal Campaign
Former President Bill “Call Me Daddy” Clinton is being universally praised in the mainstream media for his “diplomatic” mission to North Korea.
‘Puter has a sneaking suspicion that the Obama Administration had an ulterior motive for acquiescing to North Korea’s (alleged) demand for President Clinton to serve as envoy. ‘Puter thinks Rahm Emanuel and the Obama campaign staff saw this as a golden opportunity to diminish current Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the eyes of the electorate.
Think about it. Diplomacy is the Secretary of State’s job. The Obama Administration, if it believed it had to send anyone to North Korea to pick up the moron leftie reporters, should have sent Secretary Clinton. Heck, even the incompetent Secretary Albright got to go visit the NorKs. Not sending Secretary Clinton to do her job is a direct slap at her, akin to a vote of no confidence. Sending her husband to do her job is simply kicking her when she’s down (and reeks of sexism). All this weakens a potential 2012 primary challenger (Secretary Clinton) to President Obama.
The Obama Administration has just shown that it is willing to compromise American foreign policy by kowtowing to a petty tyrant to benefit itself politically. Next stop, Iran!
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.