Gormogon Action Figures
Thanks to questions from our dozens billions of fans, the Gormogon Gift Shop, in the first level of the Castle Gormogon (next to ‘Puter’s Pub and the Mandarin Grill) contains action figures for all of us.
 | The Mandarin comes with a variety of energy rings, an Orbitron Rotator, plasma-dimensionalizer, and poseable lawn ornaments. Button in back triggers gut-booting action! Note: contains traces of radioactivity. $9.99 |
 | ‘Puter comes with punt gun, bourbon bottle, and vomit button. Right hand shoots out and chokes union action figures (no button for this; this happens automatically). Do not leave on toy shelf with change on the dresser. $8.99 |
 | GorT comes with negative matter annihilator, positronic rectifier, wireless relay, and 2 GB of USB storage. Warning: may catastrophically disassemble other toys nearby to “upgrade” them. $10.99 |
 | The Volgi comes with kwon dao halberd, magic spells and yarrow sticks, and detachable umlauts. Deploy his combat analects! Says 19 phrases (actually the same thing in 19 different languages). Note: only available in Wade-Giles. $9.99 |
 | The Czar of Muscovy features a rage button, chopping and throwing axe, glowing red eyes, and will attempt to kill every other toy on the shelf. $8.99 |
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.