Secretary Pantsuit: Gormogon Reader
Behold! Indisputable evidence that Secretary of State Clinton, or someone very close to her, is a secret reader of your Gormogons.
‘Puter innocently enough posted this item, speculating that the Obama Administration used former President Clinton as an envoy to North korea to marginalize Secretary Clinton in an attempt to destroy any primary challenge she may hope to mount in 2012.
Five days later, Secretary Clinton loses her ever-lovin’ mind on a Congolese college student who asked (thanks to an erroneous French translator) what former President Clinton thought about an economic issue. Secretary Clinton testily declined to answer, emphatically reminding the assembled multitudes that she, not Bill, was Secretary of State.
Coincidence? ‘Puter thinks not. Without his post, Secretary Clinton would not have realized Rahm Emanuel’s nefarious and ongoing plans to destroy her. Clearly, ‘Puter was correct in his earlier supposition, as Secretary Clinton’s crazed reaction to an innocent question proves.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.