Ah, fair Balmer
Many of us Gormogons hail from Washington, D.C., which maintains a healthy and reciprocal hatred with Baltimore, Sinkhole of the Universe. So we are happy to reprint the following:
4. CRIMINALS! Everyone knows Baltimore is the shit-stained asshole of the Northeast Corridor. It’s a little bit of Ohio smacked down in the center of the East Coast. Like being murdered? Big fan of hopeless urban decay? Love being stuck in inexplicable traffic slowdowns? Like going to themed bars populated by nothing but men drinking Michelob Ultra and wearing Affliction shirts? I’ve got the town for you, brother. Baltimore’s finest tourist attractions include a very nice baseball stadium that houses the most poorly managed team in Major League Baseball, a tourist area (Inner Harbor) that’s a strip mall on water, an aquarium that you’ll refuse to pay $28 to enter, and any number of crab restaurants that douse everything in Old Bay. Buy fish sticks at home, sprinkle Old Bay on them, and you’ll get virtually the same flavor profile. Annapolis kicks Baltimore’s ass all over the map.
Take it from a Maryland resident: Baltimore doesn’t matter. There’s a reason no one watched “The Sum Of All Fears”. Ben Affleck makes a terrible Jack Ryan, but more important is that a nuclear bomb goes off in Baltimore in that film. Are you disturbed by the idea of Baltimore being wiped off the face of the earth? Do you care? Of course not. That’s also the reason TV audiences criminally refused to watch “Homicide: Life On The Street” or “The Wire”. Yes, those are probably the two greatest crime dramas ever produced for television. But really, do you find it all that moving, suspenseful or tragic when someone in Baltimore is killed? No, you do not. Oh, no! That Baltimore school is crumbling! I can’t believe it! I thought it would be shot up by an eighth grader ages ago! Set those shows in Chicago and you get an extra five million viewers for each.
Deadspin, “Why Your Team Sucks: Baltimore Ravens”.
And don’t even think of calling us racists: we’re from Chocolate City, and Baltimore was dreadful back when that overrated hack Mencken was dribbling beer down his fat German gut, or when Ed Poe was arguably alcohol-poisoned to death by Baltimoron coopers or given rabies by a filthy Baltimoron cur [two- or four-legged].
Although Poe did luck out in one way, unlike many of the interees at Westminster, he didn’t end up on a dissection table at the University of Maryland med school. Body-snatching, another great Baltimore tradition!
Don’t ask impertinent questions like that jackass Adept Lu.