‘Puter Clarifies A Point
In this post, ‘Puter commented on New Hampshire’s efforts to prevent a woman from homeschooling. despite New Hampshire’s admission that the daughter had progressed adequately in academics, the state faulted the woman’s extensively on Christian beliefs to the exclusion of other viewpoints. The state ordered the daughter into public schools. ‘Puter stands by the gist of his post, namely, the state should stay the hell out of people’s business.
But reader Mike politely points ‘Puter to his snark at the end of the post, regarding the fundamentalist mother’s divorce, in spite of Christ’s biblical injunction against divorce, stating ‘Puter made some unwarranted assumptions. Upon reflection, ‘Puter’s poke at the woman in question was unfair, because the article does not note whether or not the woman in fact initiated the divorce. She could have been a non-willing party (New Hampshire is a no-fault divorce state). The snark would have been warranted had the article shown the woman to have initiated the divorce. ‘Puter’s dig was unrelated to the point he was trying to make, and did not add to understanding of the issue. In fact, as witnessed from Mike’s response, it detracted from ‘Puter’s overarching point.
So, this is the exception that proves the rule: ‘Puter is always right.
And Mike just made the list, mostly because of his reference to Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome in his email. ‘Puter hates Tina Turner.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.