Alienating A Core(pulent) Constituency
Governor Jon Corzine (D) of New Jersey is locked in a tight reelection campaign against Chris Christie (R). The campaign has been acrimonious, even by the Garbage State’s low standards.
Plumbing new depths this week was Mr. Corzine, who aired an ad strongly implying Mr. Christie was unfit to govern because his a Girthful American.
Mayhaps Mr. Corzine ought research his state’s health statistics, as caluclated by the New Jersey Department of Health and Senior Services. In 2006, 22% of New Jerseyans were obese, and 37% were overweight. Alienating a third of the state’s voters doesn’t seem like such a winning strategy to ‘Puter, and would make ‘Puter doubt Mr. Corzine’s fitness to govern.
And who wouldn’t want a governor who thinks that a sizable (tee hee) portion of his constituency is beneath him.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.