With the Volgi away taking care of matters, the Czar foolishly agreed to cover for him while he was gone. Needless to say, this place has gone to hell and he’s only been gone for a day. The phone hasn’t stopped ringing, and his desk is a total mess with him gone.

There’s been some intra-dimensional rift around the Circle of Ascending Harmony that the Mandarin has been trying to clean up, and it’s giving him problems. And no, the Volgi left very few directions for us except for some whacko amulet with all these weird Chinese bone characters scratched into them. Fat lot of good that does.

So going through his scraps, the Czar will attempt to put together a Volgi post.

1. Russia is transpondent with intercategorical machinations of the Georgian rubric dating back to the 17th Century manifestation of ვალხილმერ. And we all know what Hesiod said about that.

2. “Aeole (namque tibi divum pater atque hominum rex
et mulcere dedit fluctus et tollere vento),
gens inimica mihi Tyrrhenum navigat aequor
Ilium in Italiam portans victosque penatis:
incute vim ventis submersasque obrue puppis,
aut age diversos et dissice corpora ponto.
sunt mihi bics septem praestanti corpore Nymphae,
quarum quae forma pulcherrima Deiopea,
conubio iungam stabili propriamque dicabo,
omnis ut tecum meritis pro talibus annos
exigat et pulchra faciat te prole parentem.” would be funnier without the typo in it.

3. Click on this for a great song by the Killers! Do it now!

4. Obscure reference to Ghettoputer wolfing down someone else’s order at a Tyson’s Corner Burger King in 1988.

5. مَولانا مُحمّد علی جَوہر wasn’t half as clever as his brother, but guess who got all the credit? Actually, the Czar doesn’t understand a tenth of this shit.

This is hard. The Czar hopes the Mandarin is making better progress.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.