So rather than let GM crater in a richly deserved bankruptcy, the federal government (both Bush and Obama administrations) decided to bail out/buy out the Detroit automaker. Not content to bail out/buy out only one failed business model, the federal government also decided to prevent liquidation of Chrysler. In both cases, the feds ignored bankruptcy laws, screwed bondholders, and acquired substantial stock in the zombie automakers.

As part of GM’s bankruptcy, GMAC (GM’s funding arm) was spun off as a free-standing banking entity, subject to additional federal regulation. GMAC currently provides purchase loans to consumers for GM and Chrysler autos, as well as floor-plan funding for their dealers.

Cozy relationship, huh? The government owns majority stakes in both GM and Chrysler. No sane private entity would fund GM or Chrysler, so the feds use bailout money to force GMAC to finance the bowl-circling operations of GM and Chrysler, thereby further endangering taxpayer investments in all three entities. And who is paying for this? The approximately 50% of Americans who still pay any taxes whatsoever. And who benefits? Union members.

But wait, it gets worse (or better, if you’re an overpaid, underworked UAW member with no marketable skills). The government recently took another look at GMAC, and didn’t like GMAC’s balance sheet. Not content to give GMAC two taxpayer-funded infusions totaling $12.5 billion (that’s billion with a “b”), the feds are now looking to sink up to another $5.6 billion into the failed lending arm of failed automaker GM. How bad is GMAC? So bad that it was the only one of 20 stress-tested banks that required additional government bail out money.

So, in summary (1) GM, Chrysler and GMAC are all walking dead entities; (2) the government spent a buttload (ask Czar for the definition) of your money to buy into these innovation killing failed companies; (3) the government forced a formerly private banking entity to continue to fund these head-bangingly stupid companies; and (4) the government continues to throw money at these zombies like Pacman Jones making it rain at a Vegas strip club.

‘Puter’d cry, if he weren’t so pig-bitingly mad.

** Picture Caption: Adam “Pacman” Jones is hauled away by Treasury agents after beating down Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner at local strip club/bar the Leaping Peacock. Mr. Jones reportedly stated to government agents “Ain’t no government punk gonna make it rain on Pacman’s bitch GM unless it’s Pacman.” Mr. Geithner, when asked to respond, said “Who’s the bitch now, Pacman. That’s right. You and all the other taxpayers. Punk.” President Obama could not be reached for comment.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.