Making All News Make Sense
You have probably noticed your own lack of surprise, when reading a bizarrely tragic news story, at the words “alchohol was believed to be a factor.”
A man burns his friends with a homemade firework, and so on…alchohol was believed to be a factor. A woman slams into a school bus while doing yoga while driving…alcohol was believed to be a factor. Man stabs himself with kitchen knife while attempting to cut wings off a fly…alchohol and so forth. You get the idea.
And you know, when you read some flaked out nutso story, you suddenly feel relieved to encounter those magic seven words. They suddenly make the rest of the story instantly understandable.
In that context, the Czar presents the following.
- President Barack Obama is awarded the Nobel peace prize…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
- Olympia Snowe votes yes for the Baucus Bill…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
- Hollywood signed petition for pardoning of Roman Polanski…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
- United Nations agreed China is a better government model than US…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
- Global warming scientists lost data behind their claims…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
- New Jersey school decides Columbus was a bad, bad man and finds him guilty in mock trial…alcohol was believed to be a factor.
There. See? Now when you read a headline that Al Sharpton accused Rush Limbaugh of being racially divisive, you simply shrug and say “Alcohol was believed to be a factor.”
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.