President Obama’s Peace Prize: First Take
‘Puter’s spent a little time this morning thinking about the Nobel Committee awarding President Obama the Peace Prize.
The Committee’s stated rationale for bestowing the award on our President is to recognize his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples.” ‘Puter remembers another gentleman who made extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. His name was Neville Chamberlain, and the President Obama’s current worldwide diplomatic offensive may prove every bit as short-sighted as the “peace in our time” Mr. Chamberlain brought Britain in 1939.
‘Puter sees two ways President Obama could increase his standing in the eyes of American conservatives specifcally, and Americans generally.
First, the president could decline the Peace Prize outright, and refuse to go to Oslo. This would be a stunning rebuke to the Nobel Committee for its fecklessness.
Second, and this would be ‘Puter’s choice, the president could go to Oslo, decline to accept the prize on his behalf and instead accept it on behalf of the Iranian protestors. The president should cite the protestors’ brave insistence on the basic human right of self-determination in the face of certain persecution, thereby turning the award into a rebuke of the oppressive and warmongering Iranian regime. This option would also have the added benefit of again slapping down the Nobel committee.
But ‘Puter expects to see President Obama preening on the podium in Oslo as the worshipful press writes up the president’s 2009 Nobel Peace Prize as a 21st century “peace in our time” moment.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.