What a knee-slapping exercise in media gullability.

Based on conversations the Czar had in the last 24 hours, as well as a timely email from Gormogons secret operative MC (“BTW, Putin couldn’t meet with Hillary because he and I have something cooking. If something bad happens in the next couple weeks, that was us. Or if nothing happens, that was us too.”—see how he gets it?), it seems that nearly everybody thought the boy-in-the-balloon story was a load of crap.

The Czar admits that he was alarmed when the Mandarin brought him the story. But things started to add up. The idea that the balloon was lightly tethered by a single rope, with a boy crawling into it unseen? Hmmm—that seems unlikely. As MC pointed out with an awesome amount of math, the balloon’s physical size alone was barely enough to lift the child: the capsule would have lifted up quite slowly. On the other hand, he points out, if the capsule had been empty, the balloon would have lifted skyward with almost exactly the same velocity and dynamics as the video was showing. MC suspected early on this was a prank. Unusual for any Gormogon operative, his math checked out, too.

Meanwhile, the Czar was again at the barber getting shorn (nits, thy name is Legion!). The television was on, which the Czar noted because his royal barber elected to stand there watching it, sheep shears whirring in hand, rather than cut any hair. But during that interlude, the news reported that the couple in question “were no strangers to the media,” having been featured on the faux-reality show Wife Swap.

The Czar understood in a flash. This was not just a prank, but a poorly executed hoax. They are freaking media whores, and decided national attention had been off of them long enough.

They are freaking media whores, and decided national attention had been off of them long enough. Now today are the stories that many people knew immediately that the father, in particular, wants publicity on him all the time, no matter what danger he puts his family through. The Czar believes it: it seems to be the media who are still wondering whether or not it’s true.

The Czar assumes that everyone personally involved in the pursuit and recovery of the balloon will of course be fully compensated by the perpetrators of this time-wasting hoax. Yes, it should add up to tens of thousands of dollars. Let us hope more.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.