Well happy freaking birthday Internet.

Invented by a twenty-one-year-old Al Gore, the Internet turns 40 today. Of course, then, she was ARPANet, when the very first message was sent betwen UCLA to Stanford, in which it announced that Mars will be as big as the full moon and will not be this close to Earth again until twenty-thousand years in the future.

Like all 40-year-olds, she has seen better days, that’s for sure. Gussied up with the world wide web, she made “This iS my webpage I hope you LiKe it” a catch-phrase for millions. She transformed simple ideas like “freedom of thought” and “worldwide sharing” into “fr3dom/thot” and ”ww sh4rng.” Now, Finland believes that high-speed Internet connectivity is a god-given right. This explains why ancient peoples spent so much time on Hulu and Facebook.

Had it not been for the Internet, history would be different today: do you think we would even know about the Iranian protests? Do you think you would be paying a buck to listen to Lindsay Lohan singing? And how Voice over IP eliminated long distance charges to the point that when you call 911, they think you’re calling from San Juan, Puerto Rico?

Even the Gormogons, the most secret society in the world, has an easy-to-use website. Four of the Gormogons are themselves 40 years old. Which explains why the Internet also smells like hobo ass if she sits in one position for too long.

Also, this is very cool.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.