Mail, mail, mail, mail.

Our sole Canadian reader, MH, wrote in again. Normally one would not bother with follow up emails, but MH went so far off the deep end that even the Mandarin shrugged when asked what sort of dialing in such medication would warrant.

Check this out:

The Czar’s kindness and generosity (generousity?) is matched only by his diabolical genius. While I cannot explain how, clearly the Czar was already well aware of my existing designs upon both Iceland and Thailand, given my predilections for ice, Thais and land. The reach of Castle Gormogon is long indeed!

As I have already laid the metric system groundwork and since my goals seem to closely align with those of Castle Gormogon, I shall – with the Czar’s permission of course – proceed with my plan to rule these nonentities through the iron fist of superfluous u’s and moral superiority; utilizing the Quebecois as cannon fodder (two birds, one stone, etc.). For the Czar’s protection, I shall not reveal exactly how I will trick them into an actual battle without surrendering (that French passivity gene is a tough nut to crack!): let’s just say it involves poutine, cigarettes, and rumours of a miracle cure for sexually transmitted diseases….’nuff said.

Sincerely,

Your sole Canadian reader and hopeful Commander of the future Arctic-Thai Armada.

Post Script: Monbiot is actually one of my sleeper agents. Obviously Saudi Canuckia is a thuggish petro state! Like duh…hello? Have these people never heard of Jean Chretien, the Desmarais family, or Power Corp? I despair sometimes.

Anyway, too many undesirables were getting close to the truth, so I had to activate him somewhat prematurely utilizing a variant of Seinfeld’s ‘Opposite George’ Theory. To wit: If what (supposedly nutty) Guardian pundits believe is always wrong, then the opposite must be correct! No better place to hide than in plain sight, I always say!

This is just the sort of witty, in-joke mix of pop culture and high education that makes the Volgi smile.

And yes, the reach of the Castle is extremely far. On Tuesday, it made it all the way down to the Liquor Locker on Fleet Street, and ‘Puter had to take the car and bring it back home.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.