Hail Czar of Muscovy,
I trust all is well in Castle Gormogon on this longest night in the Northern Hemisphere.

A wise man, for most people say it is the longest day of the year. It is not: the day remains 24 hours long. Yes, it is true that the Mandarin experimented with longer and shorter days in the 1980s, but things were messing up Confucius’* ephemeris, so the Mandarin put it all back. However, we Northern Hemisphere dwellers (ranked third in popularity!) still enjoy the longest night of the year.

Have the druids gathered on the lawn for their Solstice celebration? I have heard rumors, hints and allegations that they claim the castle has some pagan significance. If only the fiends knew!

Not that we have seen, but if any druids attempt to dance on our lawn, we shall indeed have some hilariously eviscerating surprises for them. Unless you mean the druids that work down at Cut Throat Drugs and Sundries, over on Pershing and Westmoreland. Toss them a few sugar packets and they’ll be fine. They dont’t even come around like they used to.

But I did not once again darken the Czar’s mailbox with my drivel to discuss the fundamental fallacy of druids and their ancient rituals sun and moon worship.

No?

I took the opportunity this afternoon to watch the tubeage that your Czarness posted showing the two human heads contained in capsules talking at each other. Jolly good fun, though the one seemed rather shouty. Your point, I think, is well-made, but it fails to address the true issue the press faces. In light of the ever concealed reality of their political masters, the dutiful lapdogs of the popular press have seen their ratings whither by rebroadcasting vacuous talking points. To survive they must stir up controversy, and thus a star is born by barking at the master rather than sitting meekly upon his lap. MSNBC may attempt to spin this bold conduct as evidence of their fair and balanced bona fides. Of course it’s hardly that.

Undoubtedly someone is trying to act like a liberal’s idea of Beck or Limbaugh. Fine, and good luck. But we here at the Castle are ultimately a patriotic bunch, and recommend showing some respect to a member of Congress. Heck, even if Barney Frank burst through the door, ‘Puter would still refer to him as Sir or Mister (to his face). And we all know how those two get along behind the scenes.

In this case, I suspect this is an example of a Morlock let loose on an unsuspecting Eloi. I believe the Mandarin has been breeding Morlocks again.

This is indeed a painful possibility, but if so, the Morlocks look a lot better than they used to. Or going to.

How he escaped the Castle I cannot guess. But if the Morlocks have chosen to hide as press lapdogs, a bloodbath is a near certainty. Morlocks tolerance for the banality the press feeds on is notoriously low. Also, you may want to ask GorT as he knows the answer already, but I suspect Al Franken may also be a Morlock.

See, that’s the problem. Thanks to GorT, we now have Morlocks in the past and present. Don’t befriend the Morlocks, dont’t get them wet, and never feed them after midnight. Three simple rules, and he broke all three.

Hope that the vampires were a pleasant diversion.
Best regards,
Joe Tetreault

Well, what a nice letter!

The Czar knows that TJIC is even having a contest based on the Czar’s outrage (great idea!), but curiously the sentiment around here is one of agreement. You can hate a congresswoman all you want, even a fellow liberal one, but for God’s sake…what simpleminded, glorified poli sci major (i.e., snob jock) has the pomposity to talk down to a member of Congress as if she’s a bar wench at Bombers Burrito Bar who asked him one more time to take his popped collar, after-shave-soaked ass off the sill before he fell through the front window? And only after his third margarita?

The Czar wields very little influence here, but would award Dylan Ratigan a Bootie Award.

*For those who came in late, Confucius is the Gormogons’ Œcumenical Volgi. For those who came in later, Volgi posts here. For those who really came in late, this is a website.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.