'Puter Ab Est. - The Gormogons

‘Puter apologizes to his scads of loyal readers (all three of you) for being invisible around these parts lately. Not literally, like Mandarin did to those horseshoe crabs he set on Dat Ho and Sleestak to mess with their minds, but figuratively, like in a Fitzgerald novel.

You see, ‘Puter’s been on vacation because he had vacation to use or lose. It’s a good problem, except for the fact Mrs. ‘Puter decided ‘Puter needed to get some chores done around castle Gormogon, mostly involving cooking for the family and her colleagues. In between cooking, cleaning, Christmas parties and trips to the detox facility, ‘Puter’s had precious little time for anything else. If only Sleestak would start pulling his weight around here.

Christmas rocked around Castle Gormogon however. Sleeper gift of the year was FIFA 2010 for XBox 360. A very close second (and second only because it cannot be played with the ‘Puters the Lesser) was Modern Warfare 2 for the XBox 360. And the sequel is awesome, too (thanks to GorT, whose time traveling mojo puts the “pre” in “present”).

‘Puter will be absent until at least tomorrow night, as he has to travel on his vacation to scenic Akron to testify for work. The judge really must want the case settled, as she scheduled a hearing on subject matter jurisdiction issues for the first work day after Christmas.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.