Vlad “The Impaler” Putin issued his sternest warning yet to the US: observe poultry importation safety rules or suffer dire consequences.

This can only interpreted as a direct challenge to President Obama, who has historically flaunted a complete disregard for poultry import safety. Putin added that people “should not look for any political issues behind this” warning, but Republican lawmakers are already calling for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to step down in wake of this statement.

Explained Putin, “Production in the next 4-5 years should not only cover domestic needs, but it should also occupy a significant place on the world market as is the case with grain.” President Obama has yet to formally respond, but Press Secretary Gibbs said the statement again stresses the urgent need for some form of government intervention in healthcare.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.