Health Care Reform, Hello Kitty Style
Assume for the sake of argument that Congress actually is constitutionally able to legislate health care reform. Further assume that Congress can actually agree on one plan without rioting in the Capitol.
Congress passes legislation that does the following: (1) caps non-compensatory tort damages in medical malpractice suits nationwide; (2) requires states to legislate health care reform they decide is best for their states, or alternatively vote in the legislature to refuse to reform health care; (3) sets federal health care reform targets for states to hit, should they decide to participate; and (4) sets up a pool of money based upon state population to reward states for reforming its health care system towards the stated goals.
Simple. It reduces cost nationwide through malpractice litigation reform. It permits states like Massachusetts to continue its health care reform experiment. It allows states to opt in or out as they choose. It allows late coming states to mimic well-performing early adopters. And it allows the federal government to reward behaviors it wants to encourage, thereby (hopefully) steering state behavior without federally imposed mandates. Citizens (and businesses) can then choose the scheme that suits them best.
Who wants to be the first to point out the myriad problems with ‘Puter’s scheme?
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.